Dating Tips for Queer Dating
People joke around in the LGBTQ+ community about dating after you come out. This is like dating in junior high. People who grew up dating would get jitters when they were in junior high school and would be silly about finding their crush.
When you start dating in the LGBTQ+ community, it makes you feel like you’re in junior high again, and it feels like you’re having a party. Of course, it can be awkward sometimes, and it can also teach you lessons so that you make better decisions.
Lessons in LGBTQ+ Dating I Learned the Hard Way
Here are some lessons to help you date in the LGBTQ+ community:
Lesson 1: Telling Someone You Like Them
• I can speak in front of a crowd of 10,000 people without breaking a sweat. I can lead workshops, give keynotes, and coach people through life transitions; that’s no problem.
• But ask someone cute if they want to grab a coffee with me?
• I would literally rather lie down in traffic and die dramatically.
That’s not an exaggeration.
Look, I’ve gotten better (read: less feral), but it’s still hard. A big part of it is that I’m a lot—loud, big-hearted, and expressive. And I’m usually into introverts who blink slowly and say three words a day. I don’t want to steamroll them. I really, really don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, especially because I’m still unlearning all kinds of internalized homophobia around being “too much.”
So, here’s my go-to script for expressing interest without coming on too strongly:
“Hey! I think you’re really attractive, and I’d love to get coffee sometime, as a date, just to be clear. No pressure if you’re not into it. I’m just trying to be more direct with how I ask people out.”
Why does this work?
• It’s clear—no “is this a hangout or a date?” confusion.
• It gives the other person a graceful exit.
• And I usually send it via text, because I turn into a malfunctioning Roomba if I have to do it in person.
One time, someone asked me out in real life, and I said: “Wait… you want to date me? Are you sure??” So yeah, texting is good.
Lesson 2: Afraid of Being Unlovable
When you grow up being told, directly or indirectly, that you’re broken, it sticks. Even when you come out. Even when you’re thriving.
My first relationship was a disaster because, deep down, I believed I didn’t deserve better. I stayed way too long because I thought being queer meant I had to settle for whatever crumbs I got. Spoiler: you don’t.
When I started healing that belief, I came up with a gut-check that’s helped me ever since:
“Would I be okay if my best friend was being treated like this?”
If the answer is no, then why is it okay for me?
You are not unlovable. You’re not “too queer” or “too complicated” or “too much.” You are allowed to want beautiful, healthy, mutual love. And it’s out there. But it starts with believing you deserve it.
Lesson 3: Be Clear About Monogamy, Polyamory, & Everything in Between
One of the biggest messes I’ve made in my dating life? Not being upfront about how I do relationships. I assumed we were casually seeing each other. They thought we were picking out wedding venues.
So, let’s talk about definitions—and how everyone uses these words differently:
• Monogamy: One partner at a time.
• Non-Monogamy: Any dynamic that doesn’t strictly follow monogamy.
• Polyamory: Having or wanting emotional and/or romantic connections with multiple people, with everyone’s consent.
The key here? Don’t assume. Ask. Talk. Get clear.
Now I put my relationship style in my dating profile and talk about it early on. I’ve learned the hard way that “we’ll just see how this goes” isn’t enough when people are working from totally different relationship blueprints.
Also, if you’re curious, I identify as ethically non-monogamous and polyamorous, but I’ve been monogamous before. For me, it just depends on how much time I have for connection and how much communication I can realistically manage.
Lesson 4: Everyone Dates a Shane. Once.
If you’ve watched The L Word, you know Shane. Beautiful. Mysterious. Disastrous. Everyone dates a Shane at some point. You might be Shane. It’s fine. It’s part of the queer rite of passage.
But here’s the thing: Shane isn’t just chaos because she’s “broken.” A lot of it comes from the unrealistic projections people put on her. And yeah, her own unhealed stuff, too. It’s complicated. It’s always complicated.
But if you find yourself tangled up in a Shane-style dynamic? You’re not alone. We’ve all been there. We’ve all survived.
Lesson 5: Talk About STD Testing Like an Adult
This one’s not cute, but it’s crucial. You need to talk to your partners about STI testing. Full stop.
I know you might’ve gone to a school where “sex ed” was basically a PowerPoint about abstinence and eternal damnation. But we’re grown now, and it’s your right and responsibility to ask when your partner was last tested.
Do it before things get physical. Do it without shame.
Once, I asked someone this question, and they absolutely spiraled. Not because I was rude, but they just hadn’t been tested and felt embarrassed. Which is… not my problem. So I left.
Because my health and safety matter more than someone’s ego.
Testing is care for you and for them. Normalize it.
Final Thoughts
If you’re out here dating, fumbling, learning, and unlearning, know that I see you. LGBTQ+ dating isn’t always straightforward, but you don’t have to go it alone.
I talk more about all of this, and plenty of other queer things, over on my blog, Instagram, and Twitter. Come hang out.
Let’s keep figuring this stuff out—even with the awkward moments, big feelings, and all.
